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His girlfriend can only see his ex when she looks at his son.
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Dear GMP
I am in a close relationship with my long-term girlfriend but she won’t accept that I have kids from a previous relationship. We are close, good friends even, and can talk about it and everything is pretty good except for that. She is from a different culture to me that believes family is important and has difficulty accepting unusual family setups.
My eleven year old son comes to see me every other weekend and I have a good relationship with him.
My girlfriend does not want him in our lives and cannot stand being reminded of my ex (his mother) every time he visits. She cannot get past this and instead see him as an individual, no matter how much I try to talk to her or to convince her that she could try to just see him as the individual that he is.
I wondered if you have any suggestions as I have run out of ideas.
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Dear Reader,
I wonder if you see the contradictions in what you have written here:
You’re close and she’s a good friend but she can’t accept that you have a child.
She’s a long term girlfriend but she can’t accept reminders of your past with other women.
She believes in family but only intact families.
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She’s showing you who she is here and I’d believe her.
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Let me just cut to the chase here.
If she can’t accept your son, she’s not really accepting of you. Your son is a part of you, a part of who you are. If she can’t accept him or his presence in your life, there is a key part of you that she isn’t accepting or approving. I find myself questioning how loved and accepted you feel by her as a result.
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You mention her culture and her values may be such that she can’t support being part of a blended family with you and your kids. What does it mean to you that her values don’t support the reality of your life? Do you think the relationship can really be a strong one if on some level, she’s disapproving of you?
I don’t imagine that you’re actually considering compromising your relationship with your kids by choosing her over them but you may be compromising it already by continuing this relationship with her now. You mention that she can’t see your son as an individual, only as a reminder of your previous relationship. If this is so, I wonder how she treats your son and how he feels about her.
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She’s someone who’d be ok with a young boy growing up fatherless when he doesn’t have to.
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Unfortunately, this relationship has nowhere good to go.
Your core values simply don’t align. She doesn’t want your son in your life. He is in your life. That is non-negotiable and pretending otherwise is insulting to you and your son.
She’s showing you who she is here and I’d believe her.
She’s someone who’d be ok with a young boy growing up fatherless when he doesn’t have to. She’s someone who would ask her partner to give up his relationship with his son for her.
She’s someone who can’t get past her own jealousy of a woman from your past to really see a boy standing in front of her for who he is on his own.
Regardless of what she adds to your life, she is trying to taking away much more. It’s time to let this go so you can find the love that is accepting of you and your kids—someone who not only tolerates your past but appreciates you for having one.
Best of luck.
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Photo: Pixabay
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The post How Can I Help My Girlfriend Accept My Son? appeared first on The Good Men Project.